Posts

Getting Over People, Again.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t, I'm getting through over a loss in my life, again. Aku taktahulah sama ada it's a good thing or not. Sebab, from this relationship, mental health aku agak terganggu, kesannya sekarang. Honestly, aku tak nak pun benda ni jadi. Bayangkan, dah ada mutual feelings between two people, then, aku yang screwed up. Starting dari situ, semua benda jadi tak kena. Mental health aku pun makin down sebab aku asyik stresskan diri sendiri fikir fasal relationship ni. Menangis, risau, takut. Aku dah jadi bukan diri aku dah. Changes happen in my brain apparently. Apa yang aku suka buat dulu, aku dah tak suka dah. Aku tak ada interest. Lebih kurang macam simptom depression, tapi aku tak ada suicidal thinking. Which tak membuatkan aku 'layak' nak didiagnosekan sebagai pesakit kemurungan. Nampak tak ada hope kan dekat situ, sebab semua orang tak tahu apa aku rasa, kecuali aku dengan Tuhan. Aku sendiri tak tahu nak cure numbness dalam dada aku. Orang lain boleh men

Fear of Rejection

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, I was asking few friends of mine to go out during these free days in the weekend, but to note on that, I'm not a person who likes to do so - asking them whether they are free or not. It is because I fear of rejection. I hate rejections. Rejections make me feel worthless. Yes, unfortunately, I put rejection as on how worthy I am. As I entered degree life, with different life, and different timetable so its kinda hard for me to catch up with the others. But, I do feel lonely. In this new course, in this old but new environment place, it doesnt help me to feel any much better.  I feel that each day in this semester made me die inside. So as I already asked few friends of my, and as I expected, they declined me. Okay, it's normal. It's not wrong to reject others. But the problem now is, Im the one whos going to handle the rejection. My reaction towards it, it was vulnerable. I tried to deny the feeling of sadness in me when I get rejected

Passion and Aim

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, I am a girl, with an average passion, in everything she does. I like sports, but it's not like something I follow up all the times. But I do enjoy them. I like to read, but compared to before, I take more than 3 days to finish a book. Doesnt sound like a bookworm anymore. I like to draw, but nothing drives me to draw. I like musics, but I'm not good in composing songs. I dont have an ambition to be in my life currently. I follow the flow where my interest and my capabilities as the indicator of my future. Okay, I dont like Maths. It's not like I hate them, I dont. I've been spending 12 years of my life, learning Maths, struggling in the subject. No-ope. Numbers not my thing. I tried anyway. Decided not to pursue anything related to Maths for my degree. So I crossed engineering and major maths, definitely, and courses that need me to take Maths. I'm not going to sleep in one of the classes anymore. So far as a pure science stu

Phase-Fasa

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim, Honestly, for the past few years, school had really taught me to be mentally strong, as ever. As a highly sensitive person, I'm a vulnurable person, and an emotional-prone one. It has been countless time I shed my tears, because of someone, or something. I used to feel pain for such a long time, for I dont know what the reason was. Senang cerita, ini la masalah remaja aku (sekarang dah tak berapa nak remaja belasan, next year dah jadi angka 2) 2012 - 2014 During this period, I was a very insecure person, had low self-esteem, couldn't talk properly to guys (except for Aizad) and controlling myself too much (like how did I look) - became too conscious if someone might look at me, and judge. I was also being dependable to my friends very much, no lie. Because my friends are too nice! Sampai I didn't even think, yang dunia luar can be harsh to me. People arent all the same, people arent all pleasant as what I used to think of my friends dulu.